Help Us Destroy Our Mutant Rhinos!

As you know, our recombinant-breeding program for white rhinos has managed to pull this beautiful species back from the brink of extinction. Unfortunately, along with our successes we have created over two dozen mutant rhinoceroses (see photo, above). We cannot give them away to another zoo or release them in the wild. We invite all members at the Platinum Level to join us Thursday evenings in December, when we will shoot these unfortunate beasts in their protective concrete enclosure. Wine, cheese, and our White Chocolate Rhino cookies will be served. The fun starts at 7:30, beginning December 2. For reservations, call Gretchen deVavasor, MUrray Hill 7-7500.

Above All, I Love My Pets

I know it's silly, but I can't get enough of the animal kingdom. I kept milk snakes when I was a little girl. You know the old joke--"Is it true they suck on cows' udders?" Well, maybe you had to grow up in the sticks the way I did, to hear that joke. Anyhow it's not true! It's also not true that if you hold guinea pigs up by their hindquarters, their eyes fall out and you can't get them back in. I did this countless times to my guinea pigs and never once did a single eye fall out.

Besides guinea pigs and milk snakes, there are other animals in my scrapbook of memories. I once owned a baby spectacled caiman. Alas, it died four weeks after Christmas. I kept many box turtles, but they never really lived up to their promise. I kept a ferret, and she was a clingy sort, always in bed with me or eating cereal out of my bowl. Then I took in a large male ferret and after that they were thick as thieves, breaking every bit of bric-a-brac I owned and stealing every remote control, sports watch, and even my HP 12c financial calculator. I never quite made it to dogs and horses and cats and pigs and goats and those other popular domestic animals, but I'm still young and there is still a chance.